The year 2020 has been especially unlucky for Bollywood. A lot of famous Bollywood personalities died and one of them was a young actor – Sushant Singh Rajput, aged 34. Now, I am not someone who enjoys watching star videos, juicy chat shows, or Bollywood gossip. I knew nothing about Sushant until I read that he committed suicide in his Mumbai residence. All I knew was that he was very handsome, had a vivacious smile, and doled out a few blockbuster hits.
I read the news, said a quick RIP Sushant in my head and moved on. I was looking up a recipe on YouTube when one of his interviews popped up as a must watch video. As I had never heard him speak before, I watched the interview out of curiosity. Within five minutes of watching the interview, I felt a pit in my stomach – his responses to the first three questions made me realize what an extraordinary human being he was – wise, self-aware, intellectual, spiritual, and a man of many talents. His eyes shone with a certain honesty, his demeanor was simple and poised, his answers unpretentious. When asked about must-read books, his response was textbooks, religious scriptures, and coding. When asked to pick his favorites, he chose astronomy over acting, storyline over commercial success, and a trip to NASA over dating a Hollywood celebrity. He even spoke about the essence of vedas and how the scriptures could be one’s guiding light even in this day and age. Soon, I found myself going through several of his interviews – the pit in my stomach growing deeper with each. I learnt about his bucket list some of which were to teach women self-defense, fund a trip for underprivileged school kids to a NASA workshop, dive through the Great Blue Hole, meditate at Mt Kailash. In another interview, he spoke passionately about his tryst with his telescope – he knew as much astronomy as acting, his childhood dream of owning a Blue Maserati which he fulfilled, the deep void with his mother’s demise. In all his interviews, what stood out was the guy who was self-made, whose beliefs were firmly rooted in his humble background. I felt a strange connection with him. The connection you feel in the knowledge that someone is ordinary and regular – just like you.
Sushant was from a small town in Bihar, he cracked India’s toughest entrance exam to bag a seat in the most prestigious engineering college. He quit engineering midway to pursue acting as a career. With no godfather in the industry, he climbed the ladder of success, one step at a time. From dance competitions to TV soaps to Bollywood, his journey was a slow yet methodical pursuit to his dream.
His journey in Bollywood
Just like any other actor, some of his movies were blockbuster hits and some tanked. His choice of movies clearly show that he wasn’t one to care about revenue or popularity. He sought meaningful stories, scripts that would give wings to his talent and nourish his soul.
So what really went wrong?
In the words of the director who launched him, it was the systematic dismantling of a fragile mind that pushed Sushant to the edge. Paid PR slandered him in every possible way – compared his looks to that of a truck driver, called him a schizophrenic, his behavior at parties abrasive and much more – all this without any evidence and right before the release of his movies. Despite hits like Kai Po Che, MS Dhoni and Chichorre, there was no media coverage or spotlight on him. Not a single award for his incredible acting. Instead, the star kids – a product of nepotism, infallible publicity, and zero talent rose to the top, bagged national awards, and dominated the talk shows. The public was complicit too. We sought slapstick no-brainer high- budget drama for recreation. And as a result, the undeserving movies were record breaking successes while movies with beautiful storylines and skilled actors found few takers.
What about the other outsiders?
Many find their footing in the industry – they tremble at the underbelly of the industry but then, eventually see falling in line as the only way forward. Bollywood camps are cliquey too. They welcome the affluent outsiders. Those that are willing to leave their brains and conscience at the doorstep, and giggle and bond with the inner circle are taken in, embraced, and endorsed. This is the chance for the self-proclaimed godfathers to thump their chest and prove their inclusion to the world.
The last straw
On the outside, Sushant had accomplished his dreams, amassed enough for a lifetime, and could have easily quit Bollywood to pursue another passion. But as they say, he was determined to fight for his rights, to find his sweet spot, perhaps a middle ground? The feeling of not being invited, the constant reinforcement of being an outsider, lack of association to one of the many camps in the industry, the nasty attempts by the industry to discredit a small town nobody – because he wasn’t like them, crushed him piecemeal. He was far too intelligent to gel in with the school-dropout stars, and far too talented to give up. However, his crime was heinous – he wanted to maintain his individuality. Despite the fanfare and success, he perhaps felt lonely. The only acclaim that mattered to him was his own fraternity’s and that’s who failed him. Perhaps he fought bravely, night and day struggling to keep his peace but somewhere the lights were too blinding and the struggle too despairing.
There are many more Sushants fighting every day – hoping to shine, struggling to fit in, failing to break into the inner circles and trying all over again. I wonder why Sushant didn’t leave a note behind that would have held the bullies accountable. Maybe he was too kind for that. He’d let Karma take its own course?
I never thought I’d grieve an actor’s death. I hope that he is in a kind place today. I read something that feels more relevant than ever – Unless you consciously include, you will unconsciously exclude.
An Enigmatic Life 