My happiness has always meant good company. I would be at my best around my family, friends and loved ones. Life in Delhi had been so busy, boisterous and chaotic that there was never a dull moment. Rather, I never had a moment just to myself to think about lif. There was love, laughter and frolic always. It only lacked meaning. I did not appreciate silence. I equated it with boredom. It made me gloomy, restless and fidgety.
Often times, I would l silently admire my grandpa for the man he was. He was born and raised in what was then Calcutta. He was an intellectual beyond words. I could not help but feel belittled when I compared my life to his. While I sung, danced, and partied away to glory, his life was order in chaos. He chunked his daily routine in such a way that there was always time for the things he loved to do. He was a man of many interests and also one who was equally passionate about all of his hobbies.
He was a die hard fan of football and tennis. Cricket always took a backseat. So fanatic, he would sometimes reset his body clock as to not miss out on even one match of the sport. You can also imagine how well informed he must have been when I add that he read the newspaper for at least two hours every morning. Reading Bengali and English literature were his most cherished pastimes. I only regret not having spent more time with him, not understanding what his views were about life, what he had to say about happenings around him.
In time, God read my most frivolous thoughts a little too carefully. I had wishfully thought of reaching the state he was in. The way he was so content about his life, the way he loved to be by himself, the way he made time for everything, the way he was happiest in his own company, the way he would keep all his knowledge to himself and give opinion only when it was solicited, the way he was calm and composed both on the outside and inside. Well, life had its own plans for me. I moved to a new place without a worry about how life might change.
Life in this new city was calm, quiet and peaceful, something I detested whole heartedly. Arjun’s hectic touring schedules meant that I would be all by myself. It seemed frustrating. I had no idea what I would do. I’d start reading, jump to writing, switch to household chores, grow restless and step out to see people in the bustling market outside. Such was my resistance to solitude. Little did I know that there would come a time when I would not know how to make time for all my interests.
I took to writing. And before I knew I was addicted to it. It was as if I wanted to write about everything under the sun. I would write about the most petty things. It made me feel good. It was as if I were talking and my blog was a silent listener. It felt like I had company and I could jabber till my mouth hurt. Days seemed to get shorter. I had to read, write, watch movies, catch up with current affairs. All this besides the daily chores.There came a point where friends would call to catch up over dinner or a cup of coffee. But in my mind, I had my day planned out. I had a fat book to finish only so I could exchange it for another one. I started to come up with seemingly genuine excuses . I even dodged friends saying I had already promised to meet another set of friends when in reality I was waiting to get home. I would plonk myself on an armchair, read a book while a gentle breeze would blow making me soak in the murkiness of the book.
I was approaching a state of mind I had always appreciated and thought unattainable at the same time. Solitude. In solitude, I found happiness. For solitude I craved. In solitude I appreciated the finer aspects of life. In solitude, came the most profound realizations. In solitude, I appreciated the beauty of nature around me. In solitude, I star gazed and wondered about the expanse of the universe. In solitude, I heard the chirping of birds, the rattle of reptiles, the rustling of leaves, the tune of a moving fan. Things I was too busy to pay attention to. Things that had never caught my attention. Things that now kept me so busy. Things that I looked forwards to. I realised that I could never be alone again. I would always have company. Only now, I also understood that there was so much to do in so little time.
Thanks Dada for being that someone I want to be. To your intellect and brilliance.
An Enigmatic Life 